Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish.
If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish. — Lenny Bruce
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. — David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. — Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. — Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. — Jules Farber
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change — Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. — Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to brin Ög us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! — Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. — Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. — Benjamin Disraeli
t's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it. — Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great. — Golda Meir
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. — Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. — Sam Goldwyn
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. — Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money. — Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. — Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. — Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.. — Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. — George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. — Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minute's and loses hours. — Milton Berle
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. — Sam Goldwyn
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. — George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. — Henry Kissinger
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather... he died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the rest of the passengers in his car.