Question of the Week

Question:	What does "varicose" mean?
Answer:	Nearby.

Previous Questions of the Week

Note: Those questions marked with an asterisk were not stolen from someone or somewhere else.

Question:	What is the Fibula?
Answer:	A small lie.

Question:	What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Answer:	Subordinate Clauses.

Question:	What is a planet?
Answer:	A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Question:	What did Hamlet say when he learned about Weight Watchers?
Answer:	Tubby or not tubby, that is the question.

Question:	How is dew formed?
Answer:	The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Question:	What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer:	A nervous wreck.

Question:	What did one math book say to the other?
Answer:	Don't bother me, I've got my own problems.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Amber Flammia.

Question:	When do you know you are dealing with the mathematical mafia?
Answer:	When they make you an offer you can't understand.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Robert Pawlik.

Question:	What does a mathematician present to his fiancee when he wants to propose?
Answer:	A polynomial ring.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Michael Velez

Question:	Which country makes Panama hats?
Answer:	Ecuador.

Question:	Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
Answer:	He had a hole in one.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Abrahim Orabi

Question:	What is the derivative of a cow?
Answer:	Prime rib.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Abrahim Orabi

Question:	What do you call a computer powered by a crank?
Answer:	Junk.

Question:	What always goes through George H.W. Bush's mind when he's with Bill Clinton?
Answer:	That's the son I wish I had.

Question:	What did one prisoner tell the other while they were eating lunch together in the prison cafeteria?
Answer:	The food was much better here when you were governor.

Question:	Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Answer:	Right where you left him.

Question:	Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Answer:	Premature death.

Question:	What did a senior Kuwaiti official tell Nicholas D. Kristof as he prepared to leave for Riyadh?
Answer:	Set your watch back 100 years.

Question:	What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Answer:	Zorn's Lemon!

Question:	What is procrastination?
Answer:	I'll tell you tomorrow!
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Howard G. Hafford Sr.

Question:	What is the best angle from which to approach a trigonometry problem?
Answer:	The try-angle!
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Howard G. Hafford Sr.

Question:	Why shouldn't we laugh at George Bush when he calls himself the "education president?"
Answer:	Because never before in the history of our country has the average fifth grader been able to read at a level exceeding that of the president of the United States.

Question:	What is a terminal illness?
Answer:	When you are sick at the airport.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question:	What did Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun and Jack the Ripper have in common?
Answer:	Their middle name.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question:	What is it called when a mathematician retires?
Answer:	His aftermath.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question:	Why was George Bush was so well received by NASCAR drivers at the Daytona 500?
Answer:	They were in awe of a man who is sponsored by more oil companies than they are.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question:	What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer:	Frostbite.

Question:	What does a poor man have that a rich man wants and will kill both if they eat it?
Answer:	Nothing
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Jillian Atwood-Sovia.

Question:	How can you delay milk turning sour?
Answer:	Keep it in the cow.

Question:	What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Answer:	Skeet.

Question:	Name the four seasons.
Answer:	Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Question:	Thanks to President Bush, all Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq will be closed, effective immediately. What will they reopen as?
Answer:	Targets

Question:	In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
Answer:	November

Question:	Why don't ghouls eat popcorn with their fingers?
Answer:	Because they eat their fingers after the popcorn.

Question:	What do you call an insulting telegram?
Answer:	A barbed wire.

Question:	What did the his friend exclaim as the proud Palestinian father showed him a picture of his son?
Answer:	They blow up so fast these days.

Question:	Why did Cinderella get cut from her baseball team?
Answer:	She kept running away from the ball.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Patrick Robillard.

Question:	Why is Israel a shoplifters' paradise?
Answer:	It is the only country in the world where the security guards check you thoroughly when you enter a store, but don't even glance at you when you leave.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Arnie Schlissel.

Question:	What did George W. Bush say when he was asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade?
Answer:	He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Bernie Raab.

*Question:	Is Yasser Arafat (a) still a terrorist, (b) a liar or (c) incapable of leading the Palestinian Arabs away from a strategy of terrorism?
Answer:	Yasser Arafat is all three, a terrorist, a liar and incapable of leading the Palestinian Arabs away from a strategy of terrorism.

Question:	What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Answer:	Sanka

Question:	What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
Answer:	National Dyslexic Association.

Question:	What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer:	A nervous wreck.

Question:	What's the difference between the Taliban and the Detroit Lions?
Answer:	The Taliban has a running game.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question:	What major goal does George W. Bush still dream of accomplishing?
Answer:	Being elected president.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question:	What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
Answer:	A Stick.

Question:	How many people does it take to turn off all the lights in California at once?
Answer:	Just one, and that person lives in Texas.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question:	What did the art dealer reply to the state trooper who wanted to know why he was parked on the side of the highway?
Answer:	I don't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Question:	What is the military rank of the Officer who maintains the Army's computer servers?
Answer:	UNIX Colonel.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

*Question:	What did Sal Maglie and Perry Como have in common?
Answer:	They were both known for giving close shaves.

Question:	Why can't George Bush do Calculus?
Answer:	It's all just "fuzzy math" to him.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Mary Sheehan.

Question:	How do crazy people go through the forest?
Answer:	They take the psycho path.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Don Kraft.

Question:	What's the difference between George W. Bush and the New York Giants?
Answer:	Nobody thinks the Giants won.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman

Question:	What are the three great American parties?
Answer:	Republican, Democratic and Tupperware.

Question:	What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
Answer:	A cancelled Czech.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Charles Puchalsky.

Question:	How did the bad Shakespearean actor know he was in San Francisco?
Answer:	The audience was throwing heirloom tomatoes.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question:	What was the biggest surprise of the week?
Answer:	The arbitrary decision of Florida's Republican Secretary of State to disallow any attempt at a fair count of the ballots in the presidential election.

Question:	What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Answer:	"Dam."

Question:	What do you get when you cross a Roman General with a Sultan from the period of the 3rd Crusade?
Answer:	A Caesar Saladin.
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question:	How do you get holy water?
Answer:	Boil the hell out of it.

Question:	How do crazy people go through the forest?
Answer:	They take the psycho path.

Question:	Why did the whale cross the ocean?
Answer:	To get to the the other Tide.

Question:	What do you get from a pampered cow?
Answer:	Spoiled milk.

Question:	What do you do when you are driving and your toe hurts?
Answer:	Call a toe truck!
Credit:	The question above was contributed by Ellen Beecher.

Question:	What's the difference between politicians and the mafia.
Answer:	Politicians can't get organized.

*Question:	Why are there so many Jewish mathematicians?
Answer:	Check the Torah. It was commanded by the Lord: be fruitful and multiply.

Question:	What's the title of the popular new introductory book on ventriloquism?
Answer:	Dummies for Dummies.

Question:	What do prisoners use to call each other?
Answer:	Cell phones.

Question:	How did God punish the rabbi who played golf on Yom Kippur?
Answer:	He arranged for the rabbi to hit a hole-in-one.

Question:	What do you get from a pampered cow?
Answer:	Spoiled milk.

Question:	How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Answer:	Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Question:	What's the difference between trash and a bachelor attorney?
Answer:	Trash gets taken out.

Question:	What's a good definition for recursive?
Answer:	That line of code that make you curse again and again.
Credit:	Contributed by Aryeh Abramovitz.

Question:	Why did it take the Israelites 40 years to get out of the desert?
Answer:	Because none of the men would stop to ask for directions.

Question:	What do the Green Bay Packers and the LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department) have in common?
Answer:	Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Question:	Why isn't it a good idea to get a Unitarian mad at you?
Answer:	He might burn a question mark on your lawn.

Question:	What's the difference between a lawyer & a vulture?
Answer:	Lawyers can take off their wingtips.

Question:	Why do medical labs use lawyers instead of rats?
Answer:	There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.

Question:	What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
Answer:	He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Question:	Why was the Blonde staring at the orange juice carton?
Answer:	Because it said concentrate.

Question:	What is the biggest room in the world?
Answer:	Room for improvement. It's never been filled.

Question:	Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps?
Answer:	New Jersey had first choice.

Question:	If a doctor carries a medical kit, and a carpenter carries a toolkit, what does a mohel carry?
Answer:	A bris	kit.

Question:	What's the difference between an elephant and a jar of peanut butter?
Answer:	The elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Question:	How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Answer:	His lips are moving.

Question:	Why did the elephants quit their jobs at the factory?
Answer:	They got tired of working for peanuts.

Question:	Why was the shipwrecked lawyer allowed to swim safely through shark-infested waters?
Answer:	Professional courtesy.

*Question:	What transportation company has the most literate clientele?
Answer:	The Reading Railroad.

*Question:	For the average American, what has been the most enduring legacy of the Islamic Fundamentalist revolution in Iran?
Answer:	The lack of access to native Iranian pistachio nuts. An entire generation of young Americans has now grown up without ever tasting a real pistachio nut.

Question:	What credit card does an elephant whip out when it's getting ready to charge?
Answer:	Visa Gold. From Pachyderm National Bank.

Question:	How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
Answer:	He takes out his credit card.

.

Question:	What is phonesia?
Answer:	The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Credit:	The question above was stolen from The Big Book of New American Humor, edited by William Novak and Moshe Waldoks <waldoks@binah.cc.brandeis.edu>

Question:	Why was Santa Claus unemployed?
Answer:	The elves gave him the sack.

*Question:	Where is the primality of the United States proclaimed?
Answer:	In the Pledge of Allegience, where it is proclaimed that the United States is one nation, indivisible.

Question:	What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?
Answer:	Children who are exactly ten minutes late!

Question:	What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness and an atheist?
Answer:	Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Question:	What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
Answer:	Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Question:	What do you get when you cross a mafia don with a deconstructionist?
Answer:	Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

*Question:	What makes Newt a dooH niboR Republican?
Answer:	He likes to take from the poor to give to the rich.

The Comedian: United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

Speaking to a reporter at the United Nations headquarters, Ban Ki-moon, apparently with a straight face, said: "I don't think there is discrimination against Israel at the United Nations."