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Question of the Week

Question: What does "varicose" mean?
Answer: Nearby.

Previous Questions of the Week

Note: Those questions marked with an asterisk were not stolen from someone or somewhere else.

Question: What is the Fibula?
Answer: A small lie.

Question: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

Question: What is a planet?
Answer: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Question: What did Hamlet say when he learned about Weight Watchers?
Answer: Tubby or not tubby, that is the question.

Question: How is dew formed?
Answer: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Question: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer: A nervous wreck.

Question: What did one math book say to the other?
Answer: Don't bother me, I've got my own problems.
Credit:The question above was contributed by Amber Flammia.

Question: When do you know you are dealing with the mathematical mafia?
Answer: When they make you an offer you can't understand.
Credit:The question above was contributed by Robert Pawlik.

Question: What does a mathematician present to his fiancee when he wants to propose?
Answer: A polynomial ring.
Credit:The question above was contributed by Michael Velez

Question: Which country makes Panama hats?
Answer: Ecuador.

Question: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
Answer: He had a hole in one.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Abrahim Orabi

Question: What is the derivative of a cow?
Answer: Prime rib.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Abrahim Orabi

Question: What do you call a computer powered by a crank?
Answer: Junk.

Question: What always goes through George H.W. Bush's mind when he's with Bill Clinton?
Answer: That's the son I wish I had.

Question: What did one prisoner tell the other while they were eating lunch together in the prison cafeteria?
Answer: The food was much better here when you were governor.

Question: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Answer: Right where you left him.

Question: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Answer: Premature death.

Question: What did a senior Kuwaiti official tell Nicholas D. Kristof as he prepared to leave for Riyadh?
Answer: Set your watch back 100 years.

Question: What's yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
Answer: Zorn's Lemon!

Question: What is procrastination?
Answer: I'll tell you tomorrow!
Credit: The question above was contributed by Howard G. Hafford Sr.

Question: What is the best angle from which to approach a trigonometry problem?
Answer: The try-angle!
Credit: The question above was contributed by Howard G. Hafford Sr.

Question: Why shouldn't we laugh at George Bush when he calls himself the "education president?"
Answer: Because never before in the history of our country has the average fifth grader been able to read at a level exceeding that of the president of the United States.

Question: What is a terminal illness?
Answer: When you are sick at the airport.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question: What did Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun and Jack the Ripper have in common?
Answer: Their middle name.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question: What is it called when a mathematician retires?
Answer: His aftermath.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Charley Puchalsky.

Question: Why was George Bush was so well received by NASCAR drivers at the Daytona 500?
Answer: They were in awe of a man who is sponsored by more oil companies than they are.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: What does a poor man have that a rich man wants and will kill both if they eat it?
Answer: Nothing
Credit: The question above was contributed by Jillian Atwood-Sovia.

Question: How can you delay milk turning sour?
Answer: Keep it in the cow.

Question: What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Question: Name the four seasons.
Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Question: Thanks to President Bush, all Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq will be closed, effective immediately. What will they reopen as?
Answer: Targets

Question: In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
Answer: November

Question: Why don't ghouls eat popcorn with their fingers?
Answer: Because they eat their fingers after the popcorn.

Question: What do you call an insulting telegram?
Answer: A barbed wire.

Question: What did the his friend exclaim as the proud Palestinian father showed him a picture of his son?
Answer: They blow up so fast these days.

Question: Why did Cinderella get cut from her baseball team?
Answer: She kept running away from the ball.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Patrick Robillard.

Question: Why is Israel a shoplifters' paradise?
Answer: It is the only country in the world where the security guards check you thoroughly when you enter a store, but don't even glance at you when you leave.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Arnie Schlissel.

Question: What did George W. Bush say when he was asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade?
Answer: He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Bernie Raab.

*Question: Is Yasser Arafat (a) still a terrorist, (b) a liar or (c) incapable of leading the Palestinian Arabs away from a strategy of terrorism?
Answer: Yasser Arafat is all three, a terrorist, a liar and incapable of leading the Palestinian Arabs away from a strategy of terrorism.

Question: What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Answer: Sanka

Question: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
Answer: National Dyslexic Association.

Question: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
Answer: A nervous wreck.

Question: What's the difference between the Taliban and the Detroit Lions?
Answer: The Taliban has a running game.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question: What major goal does George W. Bush still dream of accomplishing?
Answer: Being elected president.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman.

Question: What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
Answer: A Stick.

Question: How many people does it take to turn off all the lights in California at once?
Answer: Just one, and that person lives in Texas.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question: What did the art dealer reply to the state trooper who wanted to know why he was parked on the side of the highway?
Answer: I don't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Question: What is the military rank of the Officer who maintains the Army's computer servers?
Answer: UNIX Colonel.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

*Question: What did Sal Maglie and Perry Como have in common?
Answer: They were both known for giving close shaves.

Question: Why can't George Bush do Calculus?
Answer: It's all just "fuzzy math" to him.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Mary Sheehan.

Question: How do crazy people go through the forest?
Answer: They take the psycho path.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Don Kraft.

Question: What's the difference between George W. Bush and the New York Giants?
Answer: Nobody thinks the Giants won.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Bob Arbetman

Question: What are the three great American parties?
Answer: Republican, Democratic and Tupperware.

Question: What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
Answer: A cancelled Czech.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Charles Puchalsky.

Question: How did the bad Shakespearean actor know he was in San Francisco?
Answer: The audience was throwing heirloom tomatoes.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question: What was the biggest surprise of the week?
Answer: The arbitrary decision of Florida's Republican Secretary of State to disallow any attempt at a fair count of the ballots in the presidential election.

Question: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Answer: "Dam."

Question: What do you get when you cross a Roman General with a Sultan from the period of the 3rd Crusade?
Answer: A Caesar Saladin.
Credit: The question above was contributed by Fred Lipschultz.

Question: How do you get holy water?
Answer: Boil the hell out of it.

Question: How do crazy people go through the forest?
Answer: They take the psycho path.

Question: Why did the whale cross the ocean?
Answer: To get to the the other Tide.

Question: What do you get from a pampered cow?
Answer: Spoiled milk.

Question: What do you do when you are driving and your toe hurts?
Answer: Call a toe truck!
Credit: The question above was contributed by Ellen Beecher.

Question: What's the difference between politicians and the mafia.
Answer: Politicians can't get organized.

*Question: Why are there so many Jewish mathematicians?
Answer: Check the Torah. It was commanded by the Lord: be fruitful and multiply.

Question: What's the title of the popular new introductory book on ventriloquism?
Answer: Dummies for Dummies.

Question: What do prisoners use to call each other?
Answer: Cell phones.

Question: How did God punish the rabbi who played golf on Yom Kippur?
Answer: He arranged for the rabbi to hit a hole-in-one.

Question: What do you get from a pampered cow?
Answer: Spoiled milk.

Question: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Answer: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Question: What's the difference between trash and a bachelor attorney?
Answer: Trash gets taken out.

Question: What's a good definition for recursive?
Answer: That line of code that make you curse again and again.
Credit: Contributed by Aryeh Abramovitz.

Question: Why did it take the Israelites 40 years to get out of the desert?
Answer: Because none of the men would stop to ask for directions.

Question: What do the Green Bay Packers and the LAPD (Los Angeles Police Department) have in common?
Answer: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Question: Why isn't it a good idea to get a Unitarian mad at you?
Answer: He might burn a question mark on your lawn.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer & a vulture?
Answer: Lawyers can take off their wingtips.

Question: Why do medical labs use lawyers instead of rats?
Answer: There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.

Question: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
Answer: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

Question: Why was the Blonde staring at the orange juice carton?
Answer: Because it said concentrate.

Question: What is the biggest room in the world?
Answer: Room for improvement. It's never been filled.

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps?
Answer: New Jersey had first choice.

Question: If a doctor carries a medical kit, and a carpenter carries a toolkit, what does a mohel carry?
Answer: A bris kit.

Question: What's the difference between an elephant and a jar of peanut butter?
Answer: The elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Question: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Answer: His lips are moving.

Question: Why did the elephants quit their jobs at the factory?
Answer: They got tired of working for peanuts.

Question: Why was the shipwrecked lawyer allowed to swim safely through shark-infested waters?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

*Question: What transportation company has the most literate clientele?
Answer: The Reading Railroad.

*Question: For the average American, what has been the most enduring legacy of the Islamic Fundamentalist revolution in Iran?
Answer: The lack of access to native Iranian pistachio nuts. An entire generation of young Americans has now grown up without ever tasting a real pistachio nut.

Question: What credit card does an elephant whip out when it's getting ready to charge?
Answer: Visa Gold. From Pachyderm National Bank.

Question: How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge?
Answer: He takes out his credit card.

.
Question: What is phonesia?
Answer: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Credit: The question above was stolen from The Big Book of New American Humor, edited by William Novak and Moshe Waldoks <waldoks@binah.cc.brandeis.edu>

Question: Why was Santa Claus unemployed?
Answer: The elves gave him the sack.

*Question: Where is the primality of the United States proclaimed?
Answer: In the Pledge of Allegience, where it is proclaimed that the United States is one nation, indivisible.

Question: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?
Answer: Children who are exactly ten minutes late!

Question: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness and an atheist?
Answer: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Question: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic and an agnostic?
Answer: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

Question: What do you get when you cross a mafia don with a deconstructionist?
Answer: Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

*Question: What makes Newt a dooH niboR Republican?
Answer: He likes to take from the poor to give to the rich.


The Comedian: United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon

Speaking to a reporter at the United Nations headquarters, Ban Ki-moon, apparently with a straight face, said: "I don't think there is discrimination against Israel at the United Nations."
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Question of the Week

What does "varicose" mean?

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Today is Monday, September 25, 2017. Last modified Saturday, July 29, 2017 by webmaster@alanstein.com.